Pussy Worship
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Friday, July 03, 2009Defining my Dominance, part IVRight Effort Next on the much abused (by me) eightfold path is Right Effort. This is where the distinctions between the mental states start to become a bit muddy, but I'll do my best to make it clear. Right Effort goes hand in hand with Right Action. Right Action has to do with doing things the way I like a submissive to do them--silly things that make me happy like the correct place to put my clothes or the correct way to make a bed. Right Effort, then, is the mental energy behind those actions. As I see it, Right Effort means a submissive puts their mental energies in the places I think they should be. Less negative thinking, more focus on positivity and personal choice. They seek out help if they need it, strive toward self improvement and keep at the forefront of their minds how best to serve. I like the idea of "effort," because it is certainly a struggle sometimes to maintain that submissive stance in mind and body. I have watched pet struggle when he just. doesn't. want. to do something I've requested. I'm never prouder than when I see him overcome the "I don't wannas" and put the Right Effort into our relationship. Right Mindfulness Right Mindfulness, for my purposes, means simply remaining aware of our evolving state as dominant and submissive. I expect a submissive to be willing to think about and discuss our relationship on a meta-level. I want to be able to hear what a submissive likes and does not like, what seems to be working, and yes, even criticisms of my dominance. I cannot expect a submissive to communicate without acknowledging that sometimes they will want to talk to me about my shortcomings. I do expect them to be mindful of their desires, their needs, and be able to express them (see Right Speech). An unexamined life, to crib from yet another wise soul, is not worth living. Lastly, Right Concentration Right concentration as it applies to me is the learning aspects of BDSM and D/s relationships. I expect a submissive to remain updated on events we might attend, current information or websites we might enjoy. I confess this is where pet falls short most often, given his busy schedule and privacy concerns. I do expect in the future he will be more involved with community online and off, to the benefit of both of us. And I believe that concludes my dominance series. I'm gratified so many out there found it helpful, and I hope to explore more in the future. Wednesday, July 01, 2009Thoughts on a CommentI'm in and out, I know. But we're here, and we're on Fetlife often too. I try not to write about petty daily things and save my writings here for the stuff I want to focus on with more intent. I got a comment (back in March, yikes), and I want to address it. The author is quite poetic, lol, I doubt my writing has ever been so lyrical... In every great beauty there is a portion of strangeness...does it follow that great strangeness acquaints with great beauty? Isn't this the same circle that in turning to the ends of pleasure transitions brightly into pain, and back again? which is to say that submission acquaints to freedom, education to oppression, and bondage to travel. Right action is opposite action to achieve balance, takes two to tango. It took me a few moments to piece out what the person is asking here, but I get a question from it. I believe the person is asking whether it is normal/typical to crave both sides of that coin, perhaps at different times. Or perhaps, is it normal for a relationship to flow in and out of these states rather than being rigidly one top and one bottom and that is all. My answer is yes. I think it is normal. It isn't ME very often, but it is pretty normal to see folks enjoy top and bottom, give and take, etc. I'm not much of a giver, as it turns out. I can intellectually grasp the concept of submission, even see the appeal, but I'm not keen on giving up power. However, when we're talking about the color of a long term relationship and life, then I would say I absolutely find myself outside my role, perhaps on the other side of it in the circular fashion the commenter describes. An example: in October of 08 I became incapacitated by serious illness. I was couch-ridden for much of six weeks, and better but still needy after that for another month. I had doctor's appointments and more doctor's appointments to keep, and no way to transport myself there or even get from the car to the office without help. I needed pet to take care of everything from bills to family to decisions to bringing me food to eat while he was gone (there was a good 10 days I couldn't get up. at. all.) In many ways, I became the dependent. I was incapable of running a household, making decisions, anything at all. He was forced to become dominant, keeping us all on track while I recovered. I gave up my power, I didn't like it and I still don't (I still am limited in some ways, and MAN does that piss me off.) But it was necessary. But, you say, wasn't his role one of ultimate submission? Caring for me totally is nothing if not submissive. I think that is the point the commenter wanted to make--you can't live in one identity without room for others. Sometimes, things aren't as rigid as they seem. In writing my series (yes I'm still writing it, sloooooooowly), it isn't so much to say "this is all there is for us." It is a way to explore the feelings I have swirling around, the strong desires and reactions I know but have trouble naming. In all things there is flexibility, and all things change. That is the first thing I learned about Buddhism--things always change. To assume they will remain static--whether they be roles or situations--is folly. I'm interested to know what the commenter thinks, lol, too bad I'm so dang slow in reply. I'm thinking of everyone out there, and living this life, all the time. Sunday, February 22, 2009Under Contract AgainOur contract expires on new year's eve each year and is open for renegotiation at that point. Since October, we've had a lot of drama; medical stuff and extended family stuff, so in other words, life. Given all that was going on, I am grieving and have situational depression, and that does not a good sub make. My lovely mistress decided not to let me sign the contract until I was feeling and acting better. We discussed at dinner a few days ago how these past months, we don't get each other; we're not on the same page. We both feel like we have no idea what the other person wants when they speak. She said "are you ready for our date tonight?" and I said yes, and then she said "Are you really ready?" to which I said yes, and started freaking out that she was going to do something or expect something and it was going to be weird or too intense or if I slip up or anything goes wrong, she'll be upset and never want to date with me again or some other super-dramatic extreme thought. Turns out she was just joking around and was just excited. I never picked up on it until she said that, and that caused so much craziness in me because I had no idea what she was saying. More to the point, she feels like I am overburdened. I have assumed a lot of the responsibilities for the household chores for various reasons, in addition to working full time and taking care of the kids when I'm home, and it keeps me very busy. She now feels like if she asks me to do even one more thing on top of this, I'm going to throw my hands up in the air and walk out and declare her too needy and impossible to live with. I try to reassure her that I am not overburdened and I do get joy from service, and that nothing is permanent (another lesson from Buddha). That said, she can't really be dominant to me if she is afraid of telling me to do something. She says she hears the words I say, but she doesn't see the joy in my service, only the anger and frustration and worry I wear on my sleeve. I have been hard to live with - we've been living in crisis mode for a while now. Things kept happening outside of our household that drew our attentions away, pretty much daily. My Lady felt like she couldn't make plans for the week since she had no idea what was going to happen. I hesitated to commit to anything for the same reason. It's been all pins and needles around here and not in a fun, kinky way. Couple that constant anxiety with my situational depression and I go bonkers. I am still happy to serve, but I am easily frustrated and angered and then I can't shake the bad mood. The other day I got a small bill for a copay to a doctor's office after I called the doctor's office twice and the insurance company and they all said "no copay." When I called the insurance company again they said "I don't know who you talked to but of course there's a copay." I lost it. It isn't even a big deal, it's a tiny copay but I felt like the world was just closing in on me, like people lie to me and it's not just, and that's a big trigger for me. The end result is me stomping around, grumpy and mad at this little copay and some misunderstandings that I would usually laugh off and say "Heh, I figured there was a copay. Seemed too good to be true." I was sour for a while after that, and when my lovely Lady rolled in to eat the lunch I had prepared for her, she naturally assumed that I was a raging lunatic because I made her lunch and she was a few minutes later than I expected and her food was a little cold and I was totally pissed off at her for slipping her schedule a little or something. At the point that I'm frustrated with something, it's hard to tell what it is directed at, and no matter how much I tell her it isn't her, it was this other thing that set me off, it doesn't matter. She has to deal with me in my bad mood and wonder/worry if it is about her, and that makes her withdraw, and then I get more upset because she is upset, and around we go for the rest of the day. So as of late, I've been working on not being defensive, and letting things go as fast as possible to shake the bad mood. My ultimate goal is to not get triggered at all, to let it go before it hits and then I don't have to let the bad mood go because it will never have started. Bad moods are mutually exclusive from good service in our house. Sunday, February 15, 2009Defining my Dominance part III4. Right Action Right action refers to the way one uses his/her body and (duh) actions. As it relates to being my submissive, one should behave with respect for self and others at all times. When I discussed "right view," I listed the guiding principles of my household and suggested that those be kept in mind when making any decision. Right action means following through with those guiding principles, making each action taken a reflection of one of them. From the time pet arises in the morning to when he gets in bed at night (after kneeling beside the bed to say goodnight to me), his actions should reflect his submission to me. If he does the dishes, he does them in the way I've requested--everything from putting things away in the correct place to using the correct dish soap is important. Right action, in effect, means doing things my way, not his. This took me quite a while to embrace. I felt kind of stupid, in truth, being so micro-managy. I don't really care how things get done, except, in the end, I do care. I like things done my way--who doesn't? I realized a while back that by not defining these expectations, I was setting us both up for frustrations. When I go to get a piece of tupperware from a cabinet and they all fall on my head due to poor action, I feel irritated. When I feel irritated, even if I don't blame pet, pet suffers because I generally disappear behind a computer or something when I'm frustrated so as not to inflict random petty irritations on my family. He HATES that, would much rather do things like put dishes away correctly. If I define in advance the way things are done that keep me happy, pet stays happier too. I'm still not overjoyed to be so specific and detailed in my dominance, I had hoped to stay more vauge and general. But the more pet knows what I expect, the happier he is and the happier I am. Must be a quirk of either my particular submissive, or submissives in general. The more I am able to define the specifics of a task, the better he can serve me. In addition, when he does do things "my way," I feel truly served by a submissive, rather than feeling like my husband did the dishes. It is a small distinction, but an important one. If someone puts dishes away at all, I'm happy. If someone puts dishes away the way I want them put away, I'm being served and that is a different happiness. I hope that is clear. 5. Right Livelihood In Buddhist thought, this refers to how you chose to make a living, some jobs being off limits due to cruelty or other rules. Here, this applies to my household only minimally but there are some important aspects. Submissives should maintain their positions at their jobs, or seek to improve/change them if they desire. Work should provide stimulation, financial support and joy to a person, but should not be the focus of his life. I don't expect anyone to serve me in a way that puts their job in jeopardy unless the job prevents him from putting family first. Some jobs do, pet's does not. I really believe that it is worth going to school to procure employment that fufills a submissive (or anyone, really). Working a job that doesn't satisfy your needs is not good service, as everyone suffers when someone hates their job. Good service means self-care, and good self-care includes going to a place every day that is fun and interesting and makes enough money to live. Saturday, December 27, 2008Defining my Dominance part IIThe first part, here, has all the explanations. 3. Right Speech Right speech is about how we conduct ourselves through our communications. As applies to our household, in particular I expect my submissive to tell the truth. This means, if pet does not have time to complete a task I require, he says so. It means that if I ask him what he is thinking, he tells me as clearly and as honestly as humanly possible. It means that if he is stressed, busy, frustrated, he expresses these emotions to me in a way that is respectful but clear. And he had better never tell me he's "fine" when he's not, or that "nothing is wrong" when something clearly is. I prefer an "I don't know" to a denial of what I can clearly see in front of me. This means that he expresses his desires to me. He expresses his joy in submission whenever he can, he expresses his sexual fantasies and other slutty type wants. He tells me what he likes, and he is careful about what he doesn't like, because trying to top me from the bottom is not acceptable. He must choose his words carefully when he wants and needs something (a good rule of thumb is to be on his knees, acting as submissive as possible when he's got a complaint--this goes a long way toward easing my irritation ;) He uses manners, and respectful words. He respectfully asks for what he needs, and is always gracious and sweet. He tells me how he feels about me whenever the thought arises unless he's feeling non-positive things. That he sits with until he figures out what exactly he feels and then he brings it to me in a loving way (I'm not perfect, but he'd better have a really good understanding of why he's critical before he shoots his mouth). These things, in particular, he does naturally but I want to write it out anyway because it does me good to know what I expect so that I can recognize my own source of irritation when it is absent for whatever reason. When I'm not around he does not speak ill of me (and I do the same, really what is there to gain from badmouthing your love?) He does not keep secrets from me, ever, his truth is my truth and he makes it clear to others that this is so (and again, I do the same. Why would you live a dishonest life with someone? What would I gain from being secretive?) He maintains daily contact with me via phone, email and texts when we're not together. He checks in just to say he's around, he's okay, he saw a funny thing. Maintaining frequent communication helps keep lines open and everyone in the loop. He is allowed privacy when it comes to friend to friend communication (everyone needs a place where their dominant is NOT, heh). Right speech is an important one when your dominant is both a person who works with people and a writer. Unlucky for pet, who isn't always the best with his words. He's learned, and he continues to learn and grow as we both do. I heard someone talking about submission to an owner past the dominant's death, and I like that idea. To serve someone past death is not altogether unlike serving them in life. (I should point out that my mistress is not dead, we were just exploring the concept.) I serve my mistress by being a good person in the world, by taking care of myself, by being mindful of my thoughts and actions, and by making sure the things that are important to her are attended to. As I said, not altogether unlike serving her while she is alive. There are some things that are chores, and some things that are purely "acts of submission," but I do think that everything I do serves my mistress. For clarity - when I paint my Lady's toenails, that is more an "act of submission" and when I do the dishes, that is more of a "chore." What I mean by "everything" is that I make a conscious decision to serve my mistress every moment. At any time I can simply choose to not serve her, "turning off submission" so to say, but that is not how I choose to live my life. I mean that at any time, I can choose to eat a bunch of junk food, which is probably bad for my body and might make me ill, and then I am not available to do chores or paint toenails or make coffee or whatnot. So, making the choice every moment to serve is very important to me. It is also very obvious to her at any point when I choose not to serve for whatever reason at the time. Monday, December 08, 2008Defining my DominanceWe review and rewrite our contract every year on New Year's Eve. It has become our check in time, a once a year chance for pet to regain equal status and decide whether he wants to continue in service to me or not. One of the things I've not done before is define what it is that I want for my household. I've decided to attempt some exploratory writing on the subject, see what comes up, in preparation for the rewrite. I expect this year's rewrite to be more in depth than in past years. I'm going to start with the tenets of the Noble Eightfold Path, and see how they apply to my D/s style household. Obviously, I'm going to stray pretty far from Buddhist teachings in the process :) I'm hoping to develop a kind of mission statement for my self and pet out of these writings. 1. Right View Right View as it applies to Buddhism has to do with being aware of the basic ideas of Buddhist thought. It has to do with learning the precepts and then sort of "meta learning" them so that you rise above any dogmatic approach. You learn things such as the true nature of life and death, karma, suffering, etc. Right view means having knowledge, but only as a starting off point and remembering to remain flexible and fluid. In my household there are certain rules by which pet must abide. They include but are not limited to: 1. Tell me what I need to know to run my house. 2. Care for my property--physically, spiritually, emotionally (includes keeping doctors appointments and self-care rituals, practicing self-acceptance and honesty). 3. Anticipate my needs but do not assume you know everything. 4. I have the last word in all things, I make decisions and you abide. 5. Total, brutal self-honesty at all times Obviously these are general principles of conduct. There are many more specific tasks that pet does as part of service, but these, in theory, should color his every decision and every movement throughout the world. There is no punishment as such if he disobeys these rules, but when he does disobey them, my ability and willingness to dominate him becomes limited. I suppose this works as punishment enough. Right View as I apply it to my own house is that he would keep these five principles in his mind, and strive as much as humanly possible to maintain that view, my view of life. As I said, the adherence to these rules starts as dogmatic but becomes something much more fluid as practice deepens. What was once a forced situation becomes a more natural one, a more fluid one that can accept and release change. Right View is in the knowing what I'm looking for in a submissive. 2. Right Intention In Buddhism, Right Intention is the active choice one makes to be different in the world. The link above defines it as the "commitment to ethical and mental self-improvement." Buddhists specifically intend three things: 1. renouncing desires, 2. good will, and 3. harmlessness. This is sort of the active phase of Right View. I understand the rules, and now I intend to act on them. Right Intention applied to my house would take on a specific quality. My submissive should hold in his mind that submission is an active choice. Each task or life choice must be made with the intention of submission and service to/of me in mind. Right Intention for me means being strongly committed to the act of submission no matter what you are doing at the time. This is an energetic shift from a self-serving brain to an other-serving brain. Not an easy shift, I expect, to make. And now this blog post is looooong enough. I hope to continue this exploration. Thursday, December 04, 2008Product ReviewI have been very delayed in writing this due to a host of bad shit that happened this year, but the knowledge that I've delayed on a promise sits heavy on my mind. So, I'm fulfilling a late promise and sending out a big loud THANK YOU to the folks at CiciLoves They sent me a toy, see, free of charge but for my review of the product. Not long after I agreed (happily!), our world fell apart quite a bit and is only now creeping back on track. We haven't played much at all--perhaps you can tell from our absence here--let alone been able to do a full product review. So this is my first blush review. I have some more ideas of how to use this little product, see, so I want to give them a shot too. But here's what I have so far: For a relatively inexpensive fee, the boys at CiciLoves will send you a nifty little device, a cushiony thing with a weird shape, and a nice big hole in the middle. A bit more dough will get you a vibrator--a nice "magic wand" style vibe that plugs in and delivers an even, no battery-running-out stimulation. The idea is that you put your vibrator in the cushion's hole, and it is in place. As someone who has done some damage to her forearms with too much typing and various knitting/crochet related activities, this is a big deal. The magic wand, while lovely, is also frikkin' heavy. Hands-free masturbation is a wonderful benefit of the device. I'm a bigger girl and the cushion fits me fine, and because we are who we are, we know it fits pet fine as well. Kneeling on the bed over the cushion is great, sex while using the cushion is greater! It is a lot of fun and adds a certain ease of clitoral stimulation often missing from male/female sex, especially when we fuck "doggy style" (I hate that term. But I love that position so very much.) Orgasms for all! Some ways I would like to use this device that I haven't yet involve my fucking of pet, rather than the other way around. They thoughtfully sent me an attachment I haven't used, a dildo that fits on the head of the vibrator. I have an image of some cuffs, this cushion, this vibrator, and me sitting on the other side of the room watching pet squirm. I like the idea of being able to stimulate him from afar, even of tying his hands oh so close but not close enough to touch his cock while his ass is overvibrated until he is doing that cute girly screaming he does when you tickle him too much. (srsly, that is adorable) I should say my communication with them was divine, they are responsive to any questions on a personal level, and knowledgable as they claim. The cushion is well made if a bit on the "cheap fabric" side of things (but it's for fucking, it shouldn't be fancy anyway). I'm grateful to their patience with me and this review, and I imagine they will be as gracious with you as a consumer of the product. I'm considering a quick webcam video of pet using the device as I described (complete with girly screaming!) Anyone interested? Thank you, CiciLoves! You guys rock and I'd be a return customer any day. |
