Tuesday, March 02, 2010Ends
As you can see, we just don't take the time to write here that we would like to.
Of late, I'm feeling scattered and drained by things that are drifting on the perimeters, this blog being one of them. So I'm calling it good. We did a lot of learning and growing here, and now our travels take us elsewhere. I'm not sure where, but elsewhere, to be sure.
I'm going to leave the archives up for a bit, seems like people still stop by sometimes--I hope they find the information useful somehow. I know I had a hard time when we started out, finding like minded folks.
We ARE still alive though, and kicking, and exploring new avenues of D/s and life in general. If you care to keep in touch with us, you can find us both on FetLife. I expect, being a writer, that I'll use the feature there now and then to write my thoughts on being dominant and other things. I expect pet will too, if he feels the urge.
Thank you to anyone who stops by, and much love and luck on your own journey!
Us on Fetlife: Lady_Janon
Sunday, September 06, 2009Little Things
The difference between a life of equality and the way we live, far as I can tell, is about mostly little things.
Unless you're talking about the sex, which is about big, painful smacky things. Heh.
How I'm different than a wife shows up in little ways. I expect to be put first. Not when you get to me. Not when you're finished with that thing you were doing. Not after you hang up the phone. Not after work, even, although I make allowances for it because I do like my house and the bills paid and such. But it is a choice I make, not you as my submissive.
Nothing makes me unhappier faster than an inattentive submissive. Or a thoughtless one.
That makes me sound terribly demanding, and I suppose I am, but it is a mental demand. I don't expect you to give up yourself, or even your desires, for me. I just expect me and mine to come first, that's all. I'm happy to allow any secondary interests that might arise. I'm even happy with a simple "hey, is it okay if I finish XYZ before I do what you ask?"
But if you don't ask, you can bet the answer will be "no, it wasn't okay." It's never okay to put me off without permission. I just don't roll well as second fiddle, not in my own house.
It is a simple enough rule. Just ask. Never err on the side of forgiveness. I give permission willingly and freely. I don't do well with forgiveness. And I never fucking forget. Sometimes I wish I did, but I don't.
I guess that turned out to be a big thing after all.
Sunday, August 16, 2009Laundry as Service
My Lady hates doing the laundry. It is an endless job and there is never a point when there isn't something else we can wash in a basket somewhere. However, she likes spacing the laundry out through the day (since we are on a septic tank) and therefore ends up doing it herself quite often. So, for part of my service, when I am home for an extended period of time, I will do some laundry, but that's not service to her as such; that is just me doing some chores.
The service part comes in how I do the laundry. When I used to do some laundry, I would just throw my stuff in since I knew how to wash it and then call it a day, which left her with piles and baskets full of her clothes, and then the kids stuff and towels and sheets and whatnot. After a little of this I realized that this is not the way to go about laundry.
So I began to do at least 50/50 split on our clothes when I do laundry from our room, or I do general laundry like towels and sheets and kids' stuff. I also follow all her rules about laundry, like how things can stay in the dryer for a little while, but once out of the dryer they must promptly be put on hangers to avoid wrinkling. Also, she has a lot of hang-dry only clothing, which takes extra effort to do so I happily do those for her as often as I can. Also, when I put away the clothing into the closet, she has an order to how her clothes go on the bar, and I follow that to the letter as best I can. I also reserve all the fancy, cloth and wooden hangers for her shirts since her clothes are often made from slippery fabrics and are often put on the hanger wet so shoulder "nipples" can occur. I try to minimize that from happening. I also try to keep all the laundry in our room sorted into baskets.
Thursday, August 13, 2009Dishes as Service
In our house, chores are chores and do not qualify as service to my Lady as they need to be done, regardless of D/s status. However, Catherine Gross said it well when she said "A protocol is anything that says 'This relationship is different.'" In this light chores can be service when they are done with submissive intent.
Example of the chore of dishes:
Begrudgingly unloading and loading the dishwasher with dishes that have been piling up in the sink for a day and a half.
Example of doing service:
Keep the sink clean and washed out for easy food preparation. Also, unload the dishwasher as soon as it is done so that any new dirty dishes can bypass the sink and go directly into the dishwasher. Make sure clean dishes are available for cooking and table setting for meals, or snacking and coffee. Do all this promptly and happily and excitedly (if possible, though that might be reaching a bit).
The rewards are numerous: clean dishes, easy cooking and washing, happy Mistress/Master, not-potentially-embarrassing house, no nasty smells from the sink, and another opportunity to express love through service!
Saturday, August 01, 2009Self Beautification as Service
I'm starting a new series of posts on this blog (keyword: servicedefined) to explain the difference between doing something and doing something as service, to me. Naturally this is up for debate, and everyone is entitled to their own definition, but since this is our blog, here's our take.
Self-Beautification as Service -
Now that we've been together for more than a few years, the need to impress each other to win the other over is not really an issue. I could just as easily go on a date wearing what I wear to work (often a Hawaiian shirt and cargo shorts) and wouldn't look out of place around town except in the fanciest of restaurants. My Lady loves me no matter what I am wearing (if I'm wearing anything at all!) and in that, I find comfort and peace. So why dress up?
Dressing up has changed function over time. I am no longer a Peacock ruffling my feathers to attract a mate; I dress up to please her. I dress to impress so that she can walk around (with me at her side) and see people looking at us and think "yes, this is my well trained pet, isn't he gorgeous and aren't you jealous?"
I have to say that I do quite enjoy being treated like an object. Like a "typical" man loves a sports car and cares for it constantly and shows it off, I want to be her sports car. She cares for me constantly and it would be a disservice if I didn't take care of myself, wash myself, shave, maintain decent hair, brush my teeth, dress nicely and wear cologne on our dates. I especially hate wearing cologne because I am easily overwhelmed by strong scents, but she loves my cologne so I put it on for her and just seeing her come close to me to breathe is reward enough.
In these ways and probably some I've missed, self-beautification is service to me.
Wednesday, July 29, 2009A Life of Service
Lately I've been rediscovering the joy of serving. I had some issues with situational depression and such (unrelated to anything d/s), but now I'm getting my life back from the depths of apathy. My Lady is very wonderful and patient, and for that I cannot thank her enough.
When problems arise in life, the first place it shows up (at least for me) is in my sex life. I feel too tired and uninterested to do anything sexual or scene-related. On the off chance that something does manage to tickle my fancy while I'm hurting, I focus on that a lot to the detriment of everything else. So, needless to say, this causes conflict and makes my Lady feel as though she is not my #1 priority in life.
I've just about managed to turn that around, and whenever I'm with her, I try to impress upon her my need to serve. I jump to my feet when she wants water, I make sure the dishes are clean, the kids are taken care of, the trash is taken out, her feet are lotioned every night, and I tuck her into bed.
I have trained myself to feel awful when my Lady has to do chores that are typically mine, (which counter-intuitively) is a bad thing. When I feel awful, I get mopey and clingy, and that's no good for her, so now I'm retraining myself to only feel a little awful and not respond with "woe is me, do you still love me?" which is hard but so worth it. It also keeps me from letting more of my chores and acts of service slip.
Friday, July 03, 2009Defining my Dominance, part IV
Next on the much abused (by me) eightfold path is Right Effort. This is where the distinctions between the mental states start to become a bit muddy, but I'll do my best to make it clear.
Right Effort goes hand in hand with Right Action. Right Action has to do with doing things the way I like a submissive to do them--silly things that make me happy like the correct place to put my clothes or the correct way to make a bed. Right Effort, then, is the mental energy behind those actions.
As I see it, Right Effort means a submissive puts their mental energies in the places I think they should be. Less negative thinking, more focus on positivity and personal choice. They seek out help if they need it, strive toward self improvement and keep at the forefront of their minds how best to serve.
I like the idea of "effort," because it is certainly a struggle sometimes to maintain that submissive stance in mind and body. I have watched pet struggle when he just. doesn't. want. to do something I've requested. I'm never prouder than when I see him overcome the "I don't wannas" and put the Right Effort into our relationship.
Right Mindfulness, for my purposes, means simply remaining aware of our evolving state as dominant and submissive. I expect a submissive to be willing to think about and discuss our relationship on a meta-level. I want to be able to hear what a submissive likes and does not like, what seems to be working, and yes, even criticisms of my dominance. I cannot expect a submissive to communicate without acknowledging that sometimes they will want to talk to me about my shortcomings. I do expect them to be mindful of their desires, their needs, and be able to express them (see Right Speech). An unexamined life, to crib from yet another wise soul, is not worth living.
Lastly, Right Concentration
Right concentration as it applies to me is the learning aspects of BDSM and D/s relationships. I expect a submissive to remain updated on events we might attend, current information or websites we might enjoy. I confess this is where pet falls short most often, given his busy schedule and privacy concerns. I do expect in the future he will be more involved with community online and off, to the benefit of both of us.
And I believe that concludes my dominance series. I'm gratified so many out there found it helpful, and I hope to explore more in the future.